I was happy on my birthday for the first time
A few days back I celebrated my 29th birthday. It was my first birthday when I was happy.
For the first 23 birthdays of my life, I was dependent on my parents and my expectations of how a birthday should be celebrated were not met by them. As a result, I felt inferior to my friends who celebrated in a more showy way. On top of that, I was raised in an authoritarian parenting environment which didn't exactly help me enjoy my special days.
Next 2-3 birthdays (age 23-25) I felt clueless and irritated as the celebration expectations were set by my peers; I was also sad remembering how bad my earlier birthdays were.
After 25, a panic about aging struck. On the next three birthdays, I kept getting slapped by the fact that another year had passed by and I didn't do anything. 28th birthday was the worst. I was almost 30 but felt nowhere close to becoming a good writer or doing something 'big'.
But things changed between the 28th birthday and the 29th. In one year, I realized a few things:
- My panic about entering my 30s is not related to age. It is about becoming an 'uncle.' In my culture, uncle is sometimes used as a pejorative term for someone who is an aged male, behaves like a know-it-all, keeps preaching, has no interesting element to his personality, etc. But I can choose not to behave like that. I can choose to behave young all my life. I can stay curious, humble, and happy -- unlike uncles.
- It's okay if my past birthdays were not happy. No one is stopping me from making the future ones happy.
- I can set my own birthday celebration expectations. I don't like cakes, so there won't be cakes. I don't like decorated celebrations, so there won't be decorated celebrations. I like spending time with my friends, so I will take out time for my friends. I will celebrate my birthday in whatever non-conventional way I want to spend it.
- I haven't become a good writer in the past year, and that's okay. There won't be a day or even year when I can say that yes, I've made it. I wrote a few write-ups last year, and I will write more and better this year. That’s good enough.
- I worked on my emotional intelligence. I kind-of learned not to give knee-jerk emotional reactions. I worked a little on my anger issues. I realized my mistakes more than previous years and hence apologized more. So, why not celebrate mini-achievements on a day when others can also join me?
I am already waiting for my 30th birthday. Not because another 365 days will pass by. But because I will have lived another 365 days of my surreal yet beautiful life with intentionality, with mindfulness, with my people. Cheerio!